The Devious Machinations Of A Desperate Fangirl
by ophelin
Summary: ...And how they changed Naruto's life, hopefully for the better, but who can tell? It's all a bit fuzzy in his mind from the moment Sakura waltzed in to his office. AU, NaruxSasu.
1. Chapter 1

A/N Yes, this story is on crack. Don't ask why I'm writing it. I make no excuses for my madness!

Rated M for language and whatnot - yaoi and some Sakura-bashing (cause I really am not that fond of her).

Flame away, if you -really- want to, it makes for a good laugh. Coherent, constructive reviews are awesome, anything else is appreciated.

Enjoy!

-

Chapter One: Desperate times call for desperate measures...

-

When Sasuke didn't respond to Sakura's first advances, she was far from discouraged.

"Haruno-san, it's no use." Naruto told her. "Every single other girl in this building has tried to get his attention. He's practically asexual."

"He won't be when i'm done with him." Sakura declared, winking at the blond. She flounced out of the room, careful to give Naruto the best view of what exactly she planned on using on Sasuke. Naruto watched her go, rolling his eyes.

"That's what his last secretary said." He muttered before turning back to his paperwork.

A month later, Sakura came into his office for a daily visit.

"What is wrong with that man?" She said exasperatedly. "I've been at it for a month and he hasn't so much as glanced my way, except to tell me to call so-and-so or file my paperwork earlier next time. I've tried everything short of telling him outright that he needs to get laid, and I'd gladly be the one to do it."

"Good thing ya didn't," Naruto said, "The last one that did that lost her job and a good deal of money on a fake ID."

Sakura rolled her eyes. "Honestly, the man's like a fucking ice cube. There hasn't been a single guy I've gone after who hasn't given in eventually."

"A bit egotistical, are we?" Naruto muttered under his breath. Sakura poked him with a perfectly manicured nail.

"Not at all! I'm just telling it like it is." She insisted. She leaned over his desk, well aware that it showed off her generous assets to the best advantage. "Speaking of which..."

"No." Naruto didn't even look up.

"But Naru-chan..." She whined childishly, which made him choke when her next words were: "I haven't gotten laid since I started working at this damn company, and you're at least partly responsible."

"It's hardly my fault ya can't get the resident ice prince in bed."

"Well you didn't to much to help, did you?" Sakura snapped, annoyed that Naruto wasn't paying the slightest bit of attention to her. How was she supposed to get laid if her current target wouldn't even look at her?

"Was I supposed to?" He finally raised his eyes up, raising a cynical eyebrow. "I thought you could screw it up well enough on your own."

Sakura growled. "I'm glad you have so much faith in me."

"Look, Haruno-san, I hardly even know you. You only ever talk to me in order to complain that Uchiha has refused yet another one of your advances, or to order me to do your paperwork. Which, by the way, I won't be doing anymore."

"What?" Sakura looked puzzled. "But - we talk practically every day -"

"You talk, Haruno-san." Naruto corrected, mindlessly scribbling his signature on another document. "Are ya finished yet? I have work to do."

"Naru-chan..." She whined, "Come on, it's hardly a hardship to bed a beautiful woman."

Naruto snorted. "It is for me," He pointed out. "I don't even like women."

"WHAT?!" She shrieked, her eyes comically wide. "You're a fag?"

He winced. "I'm gay."

"Oh my god, ew." She drew back, a disgusted look on her face. "I can't believe I was talking to you!"

And she hurriedly pranced out of his office, hips still swaying as she attempted to walk in her outrageously high heels. Naruto looked around nervously as she left, but no one else seemed to have heard her outburst, thankfully. It wasn't well known that he was gay, and he'd prefer to keep it that way. Who knew what the Uchiha thought of such matters? He couldn't afford to lose his job over it.

The next day, his hopes that Sakura would leave him alone were smashed to itty bitty pieces. It seemed she had a great deal more plans for him than he'd ever imagined, and none of them pleasant.

"Uzumaki." Her voice was harsh and sharp. "You're going to do something for me."

"Oh?" Naruto inquired. "What makes you think I'll do anything at all for you, after yesterday?"

"Yesterday is the reason you'll do this for me." Sakura grinned wickedly at him, a glint in her eye. "Because if you don't, I'll tell Sasuke-kun that you're a fag, and I'm sure you don't want to lose your job..."

Naruto threw up his hands. "You're such a bitch, Haruno." He growled. "So whaddya want me to do?"

"Pretend to be my boyfriend."

Naruto fell off his chair. "WHAT?!" He yelled from the floor. Sakura leaned over the desk, grinning lewdly.

"What, Naru-chan, didn't you hear me the first time?"

"No, I think I misheard you!" Naruto yelled in her ear. "I THOUGHT you said you wanted a gay man to pretend to be your boyfriend, but then I realized you can't possibly be THAT stupid!"

Sakura stood back up and glared at him as he lifted himself into the chair again. She stuck a finger in her ear and twisted it around in an unladylike manner. Naruto wiggled his eyebrows at her.

"Are you sure you're a woman?" He asked.

"Do you want to check?" She returned, inching a hand up her leg.

"EW, no." Naruto made a face. "Girl cooties."

"You're so goddamned immature, Naruto." Sakura sighed. "This had better work."

"WHAT had better work?" Naruto inquired innocently.

"I TOLD YOU!" Sakura growled. "You idiot. I'm not repeating myself. If you didn't hear, I could always go to Sasuke-kun..." She made as if to leave, but Naruto grabbed her wrist.

"Wait, I heard you!" He said frantically. She stopped and turned around.

"Why, Naru-chan, I had no idea you found my company so... enjoyable." She smirked. Naruto rolled his eyes.

"Come on, Haruno, just tell me what the hell I have to do."

"Gladly. It goes like this..."

--- --- ---

"Naru-chan!" Sakura's voice shrilled down the hallway, preluding the clip-clip-clip of her three inch heels.

Naruto couldn't believe he was agreeing to this. Not as if he had much of a choice, but still... A man had his dignity.

"Should have his dignity." Naruto muttered under his breath.

He sighed and slipped out of his office, quickly locking it before Sakura reached him.

"Are you ready?" She demanded.

"Of course, Sakura-chan, I'm always ready for you." He winced at the blatant innuendo Sakura had inserted into his script. She had refused to let him near it, insisting that it not be tainted.

Sakura held out her hand expectantly. With a strained smile, Naruto delicately maneuvered around the wicked looking nails to fold her fingers around the flower stems. She clasped them to her chest delightedly.

"Oh! You bought me orchids, my favorite!"

He refrained from snorting. They were only her favorite because she claimed she wanted Sasuke-kun to think she had good taste; i.e, expensive. He also suspected she was going to wear a sizeable hole in his wallet before the whole ordeal was over.

"Glad you like them." He said in a sarcastic voice, and Sakura winced and elbowed him subtly, well aware that the whole office was probably watching them surruptitiously.

"Ow -" He squeezed his eyes shut dramatically. "I mean, come on, darling, let's go for dinner."

Sakura squealed happily. "I am so lucky to have such a considerate boyfriend!" She announced. "I'm absolutely starving, how did you guess?"

"Maybe it was the fact that you spent the whole lunch hour in my office lecturing me?" Naruto muttered under his breath, gasping when Sakura stepped on his foot with a heel.

"Haru-"

"Uzumaki."

Suddenly, the world stopped.

Nothing but that beautiful voice existed; that heavenly sound that made him think of honey and velvet and maybe how that voice would sound when it was sc -

"Uzumaki!" Funny, the voice had changed in tone. It sounded a little more... annoyed?

Oh. Heh.

Naruto turned around.

"Sorry, Uchiha-san," He began.

"Yes, no doubt you were distracted by the beauty and charm of your... girlfriend." Sasuke spat the word distastefully. "However, some of us actually get work done around here. Your papers from last week are overdue by four hours. They were supposed to be in right after lunch."

"Shit." Naruto swore. They had been sitting on his desk before lunch, and it had just slipped his mind...

"Oh, Sasuke-kun," Sakura piped up, "I knew you'd need them and Naru-chan always forgets his papers, silly boy, so I took the liberty of handing them in to your secretary before I left."

Naruto scowled, knowing for a fact that he almost never forgot his papers, then bristled at being called a 'boy' by a Barbie doll younger than him, and then realized what Sakura had just said.

He opened his mouth to yell "You WHAT?", but Sakura was one step ahead of him. It was therefore very easy for her to drop the heel of her shoe onto his still tender toe again. He smothered a yelp and bit his lip painfully.

Sasuke gave her an uninterested glare. "I suggest you refrain from meddling in the affairs of others, even if they do happen to follow you around like," Here he paused and gave Naruto a disdainful once-over, "a puppy on a leash."

"I do not -!" He yelped, outraged.

"Oh, Naru-chan, I'm sure he didn't mean that as an insult..." Sakura said somewhat lamely, unsure of how exactly to go about 'defending' Naruto while still keeping a good image in Sasuke's mind.

"Actually, I did." Sasuke said coldly, and left.

"Ouch." Naruto muttered.

"Come on, Naru-chan, let's go!" Sakura was eager to leave, for reasons that became obvious once they were inside her car. (She wouldn't ride in his, stating that he probably had some disease that was incredibly contageous if she was in prolonged contact with something of his. Naruto suspected this disease was called 'homosexuality'.)

"He is so into me, did you see that??" She squealed happily. "He was totally jealous, he practically came out and said that I'm too good for you!"

Naruto rolled his eyes. She sounded like a highschool girl with a crush, and He told her so.

"Shut up, Uzumaki, you're ruining my moment of triumph." She snapped.

He snickered. "Yeah, all you'll have to do now is waltz into his office and bend over some."

Sakura gave a little shriek of outrage and reached up to smack the back of his head. "Drive!"

Naruto's eye twitched. Sakura glared fiercely when he didn't move and mentally conveyed the threat of blackmail with all the subtlety of a falling piano - just as she was about to open her mouth, Naruto sighed and turned the key.

The ride was blissfully silent, until Naruto became sick of Sakura's triumphant 'hah' every time she looked at him, and tried to turn on the radio. He reveled in her shocked expression at Billy Talent's growl for all of two seconds before she changed the station.

Thus began a pointless, petty, and ultimately satisfying war over whose music they would listen to. Sakura's bubbly, creepy J-pop, or Naruto's emo-screamo?

Pointless, because they arrived at their destination without ever listening to a single song through and through; petty, because Sakura resorted to tactics such as puncturing Naruto's skin with her vicious nails - the bitch, and Naruto told her so - and satisfying because Sakura was in a foul mood by the time they exited the car.

"You are never riding in my car again." She snapped, smoothing down her dress.

"Heh. Fine with me." Naruto grinned. He stepped up to the door and realized she wasn't behind him. "Are you coming in, or are you gonna stand out there and wait?"

"Ugh!" She waved a hand. "As if I'd set foot in this relic. It's probably infested with - germs or something."

Naruto rolled his eyes. Damned if he knew why she was trying to be subtle about her homophobia. It was a bit late. She probably thought he had gay porn and lewd statues laying around everywhere, like some sort of sexual deviant. Hell no! That shit was stored far away from prying eyes.

"Suit yourself." His fingers tripped over the keypad as he rang himself in.

/End Chapter

-R&R, stay tuned for the next installment! Will likely update more often than DP. xD


	2. Chapter 2

Dear readers... Okay, I am suitably embarrassed. I, foolishly, didn't think when spewing out a summary for this darling project of mine, and so forgot that the order in which the names are written determines the seme/uke. xx -thwacks head-

So, upon returning to check that everything was in good order this morning, I discovered that you, dear readers, were expecting Sasuke to be uke! Of course, he wasn't very happy about that. But as the mistake was mine, I shall do my best to accommodate you. It'll be more fun, for certain!

On a different note... Updates won't usually be this close together; hopefully every week, although I will be gone for ten days as of Friday. I was just so excited to get so many reviews that I set about to writing immediately! See, this is what I do during my boring classes.

So without further ado, I present to you...

-

Chapter Two: The Uzumaki Residence

The elevator was out of commission - again, for the five hundredth time - so he took the emergency stairs, passing Shika and his dog on the way, Chouji huffing his way down the steps looking put out, and Hinata, who smiled shyly and gave a little wave. Naruto grinned widely. She was the kindest person he knew, although she was also hopelessly shy. He usually made a point to stop and talk to her, but today he was on a mission - a very, very important one that was essential to his continued well-being and good reputation. He laboured on.

Naruto lived on the third floor from the top. By the time he was halfway up - the tenth floor - he decided that he was going to kill, or at least severely mutilate Kakashi. The apartment manager couldn't be bothered to fix the damn elevator properly the first time this had happened...

"Naruto-san!" Came a loud, exuberant voice from above him. Naruto groaned.

"Aren't you glad that this wonderful opportunity has arisen? I will thank Kakashi-san - I am certain he had allowed the elevator to disintegrate into well deserved disuse so that we may enjoy the summer of our youth!" Lee, aka Caterpillar-brow, leaned over the railing and gave Naruto an enormous grin and a thumbs up.

Naruto resisted the urge to shield his eyes from the sheer... green-ness of the other man's track suit.

"I'm sure... He will appreciate... your en - " Naruto stopped for breath. "En - thu - siasm."

Lee disappeared from the railing and reappeared a second later beside Naruto, fairly vibrating with energy. It made Naruto tired just looking at him, never mind thinking about the impending ten stairways that still loomed overhead.

He reached back and grasped the railing for support as Lee encouraged him. "Naruto-san, I shall help you in your endeavor!"

-- -- --

Lee's 'helping' was a bit more than the blond had ever hoped for. He was mournfully out of shape, and the cheerful exclamations that followed him all the way up the stairs didn't help much.

Naruto stumbled into his apartment and kicked the door closed, collapsing on the tattered couch.

"Can't... breathe..." He wheezed, wincing as his poor, abused lungs twinged when he tried to draw a breath.

The door of his apartment opened and Lee stuck his head in. "I'll see you around then, Naruto-san!" He called. "Make sure to drink lots of water so you don't get dehydrated!"

"I would... if I... could walk..." Naruto gasped, adopting a state of bonelessness formerly reserved for invertebrates and small children. Lee didn't appear to have heard him, or perhaps thought it unimportant, for the door slammed energetically - Naruto had no idea how it was possible, but it was - and there was blessed silence.

He yawned and contemplated sleep, blackmail or no. Sakura would kill him slowly and painfully for ditching her, and he would likely lose his job... He remembered Iruka's last words to him before he moved out on his own.

"I'm so proud of you, Naruto!" Iruka ruffled his adoptive son's messy blond hair, deaf to Naruto's protests. Then he paused and leaned up so that the two were at eyelevel. His normally kind brown eyes narrowed dangerously and he said: "And if you lose this job, you'll regret the day you were born."

Naruto shuddered at the memory. Iruka-sensei was scarier than he looked! The man could make him feel like he was fifteen again and begging for ramen money. (This was a frequent occurrence in the Umino-Uzumaki household, as was the subsequent frightened yell as Iruka chased his wayward protégé out of the house.)

He sighed as he came to the inevitable conclusion. There would be no escaping Sakua's french-manicured claws, alas, which meant he would have to leave the comfortable haven of pillows he had telekinetically created for himself on the couch.

With a groan, he rolled off the couch and dragged his lead-filled limbs into the bathroom to shower.

-- An hour later --

Clad in the dressiest clothes he had - dark jeans and a collared shirt, amazingly not orange - Naruto fished his keys out and locked the door behind him as he left the apartment. He was refreshed! Excited! (Well, no, that was a lie.) ...Prepared to take on the world -

- Wait. There were still twenty-odd staircases to conquer...

"Ugh." He slumped against the door. Sakura was going to kill him for getting sweaty again! She had already called to berate him four - no, five times.

--

_"Are you done yet, Uzumaki?"_

_"Can't... talk... must find water..."_

_"What are you doing?"_

_"..."_

_"Whatever. Just hurry up!"_

--

_Ring... ring..._

_"Hey, this is the Uzumaki answering service! If you're Iruka, stop leaving messages! I haven't died yet. If you're someone else, don't bother 'cause I'm probably screening my calls!"_

_"Uzumaki, you'd better not be ignoring me."_

--

_"Y'ello, Naruto speaking?"_

_"I'm not waiting another minute, baka! If you get fired when Sasuke finds an anonymous note on his desk tomorrow... it's on your head."_

_"Patience is a virtue, Haruno!"_

_Click._

--

At which point Sakura began calling merely to bombard him with verbal abuse.

The quiet snick of a door opening snapped Naruto out of his misery. He looked up to see his neighbour stepping out of the apartment across the hall. Blue eyes met piercing green.

"Uh... Gaara-san," He said, giving the redhead a tentative smile, which withered sadly away when it was returned with a blank stare.

Gaara - he still didn't know the man's last name - was creepy as hell and about as unfriendly as Rock Lee was friendly. In fact, the two were like complete opposites. Lee was cheerful, youthful and energetic, with a black bowl cut and enormous eyebrows; Gaara was silent, slightly bizarre, and never smiled, with short red hair and no eyebrows. (And what was up with that? It was like Gaara's eyebrows had migrated to Lee's face. The first time he saw them together he'd had to look twice.)

Naruto supposed that they canceled each other out. They did coexist amazingly well... Or at least, Lee wasn't dead yet, which to Naruto was as well as anyone could coexist with Gaara.

His eyes slipped away from Gaara when a voice came from inside the apartment.

"Sabaku-san, could you pick up some organic buttery spread while you're out... oh!" Lee stopped abruptly as he stumbled upon the two, Gaara still staring impassively and Naruto shifting from foot to foot in a nervous manner, fingers fidgeting with his keys.

"Naruto-san! Heading out so soon?"

"Umm."

"On a date?" Lee asked slyly, eying Naruto's less-than-casual outfit.

"You could say that." Naruto muttered.

The other, still clad in his overwhelmingly green shirt, though he was wearing jeans now, thrust his thumb out the door in a heroic pose that made Naruto grin in spite of himself and cried: "Good luck!"

"I'll need it." He remembered the girl waiting at the bottom of the stairs, probably listening to that hideous music and whinging to herself about inconsiderate men. Served her right for trying to date a gay man.

Naruto nodded at the oddly matched pair - Lee now had his arm around Gaara's shoulder and was peering down at what appeared to be a shopping list - and he edged away from Gaara's stare as fast as he dared. When he was safely out of sight, he broke in to a sprint and tried not to trip over his feet on the stairs.

--

"What were you doing in there, building the Great Wall of China?!" Sakura yelled at him as he came tumbling out the door, shirt untucked and hair disheveled.

Naruto grinned. "Yep." He informed her cheerfully. "Out of empty ramen cups, actually."

/End Chapter

-R&R svp

More NaruxSasu goodness is on the way!


	3. Chapter 3

zOmg, a new chapter... has the apocalypse come?? Ahah I'm so ashamed. I can't believe there are still people reading this. xD

Anywho here it is, the shortest chapter in the history of the world... okai that's a lie - but I wanted to write more of it before I posted it. Somehow that didn't happen though. Well, I hope you enjoy it! Thank you so much for reviewing!!

lots of love, Blue.

-

Chapter Three: Itachi Saves Naruto's Wallet

_"What were you doing in there, building the Great Wall of China?!" Sakura yelled at him as he came tumbling out the door, shirt untucked and hair disheveled. _

_Naruto grinned. "Yep." He informed her cheerfully. "Out of empty ramen cups, actually."_

"You're so inconsiderate!"

Which made Naruto smirk.

"Ugh. After this, I won't care if Sasuke-kun turns out to be a complete ass - he'll still be better than you!" Sakura rolled her eyes. "Go get your car."

"I thought my car was '_infested with disease_'." Naruto replied snarkily, offended by Sakura's outburst. He was a perfectly nice guy - when he wasn't being forced against his will into a relationship with a bratty pink haired _girl_. It'd be funny to see her when she finally got her precious Sasuke-kun and realized that he _was_ a complete ass.

"That's why you're driving it, and I'm taking _my,_ far _superior,_ car." She laid a casual hand on the porsche. "Now go."

"Yeess mistreess..." Naruto droned sarcastically, shuffling away to the parking lot behind the building.

"What a drama queen!" Sakura huffed as he disappeared.

Naruto's car wasn't in as terrible shape as everyone seemed to think. Despite having only one rearview mirror and two workable doors, one window that didn't close (which made for unpleasant mornings in the winter), an engine that died when it encountered anything even remotely resembling a hill, and a paint job roughly the colour of a marsh toad, the car was in perfect condition!

Alright, so that was a lie.

But it got him to and from work, and that was all that mattered... for the moment. Until he got a promotion and made more than fifteen dollars an hour, which was enough to pay rent and buy ramen but not to make outrageous insurance payments on a new car (and considering his former driving record, these would be quite formidable).

Sakura made a face in disgust when the Jeep putted to a stop in front of her.

"Ew." She waved a hand in front of her nose. "Uzumaki, that car is an affront to every car that has ever existed. Even you can't have that terrible taste."

"Well thanks!" He yelled out the window, "If you've got a problem with it, tell Uchiha to up my pay, the cheap bastard!"

Sakura made a 'pfft' sound and said; "You probably blow your paycheck on -" There was a pause as she tried to imagine what Naruto could be wasting money on. It obviously wasn't the car... or the apartment... or the food... he never appeared to have a hangover, and obviously didn't smoke - she had a nose for the distasteful habit - and it wasn't on clothes because his fashion sense consisted of orange and more orange and the occasional white.

"Well anyway, Sasuke-kun would never be stingy with his employees!" She finished weakly, scowling at Naruto as if it was his fault. (It was!)

"Whatever." Naruto withdrew. "Come on, I wanna get this over with. I have a life, you know!"

"No you don't!" She yelled back. Naruto sighed.

"Shut up." He mumbled under his breath, and hit the gas.

He pulled up to the restaurant and eyed the entrance with trepidation. Figured that Haruno would pick the fanciest restaurant in the entire town - his wallet felt lighter already.

"Hurry up, Uzumaki," Sakura called over her shoulder as she swayed dangerously on four-inch stilettos. Naruto, climbing out of the car, slowed down to spite her, and she gave him a nasty glare and a not-so-subtle hint.

"You wouldn't want Sasuke-kun to accidentally find out about your little secret, now would you?" She said sweetly.

He hurried. Sakura took his arm forcefully and maneuvered him in front of her so that when Sasuke stormed out of the restaurant he ran headfirst into Naruto's solid chest.

Spitting out a mouthful of fabric - rather ungracefully - he looked up (hahah! The jerk was shorter than him) at Naruto and then made a good attempt to step past his two subordinates without being recognized. Unfortunately for him, Sakura had eyes as sharp as her tongue. She gave him a predatory grin that some (straight) men may have found enticing, but Naruto just thought was scary as hell.

_Run!_ he thought forcefully at Sasuke, trying to convey urgency through mental telepathy. But a flustered and surprised Uchiha was no match for Sakura on the hunt.

"Sasuke-kun!" Sakura said breathily, leaning over Naruto to smile flirtateously at the object of her obsess- er, affection. Sasuke moved out of arm's reach and gave her a stiff nod. "Haruno-san."

Then he turned to Naruto, the scowl on his face growing more ferocious as his eyes rested on the death grip Sakura had on the blond's arm. "Uzumaki-san." He bit out. "Excuse me."

"Oh, Sasuke-kun... What a coincidence we bumped into each other -"

"Coincidence." Naruto snorted under his breath.

"- I was hoping to discuss something with you," Sakura said quickly as he brushed past them. "We'd love it if you could join us for a moment."

Naruto opened his mouth to deliver a vehement reply to the negative, but Sakura deftly planted an elbow in his ribs before a word escaped.

"Fu - umph! I mean, uh, yeah, of course we would..." Naruto trailed off, acutely aware of the looks he was getting from both parties - Sasuke raised an eyebrow and Sakura only glared.

The brunet nodded curtly, and Naruto cursed his luck. "Fine."

Sasuke followed them in, his customary glower directed at one particular side of the enormous restaurant. While Sakura flirted with the waiter, Naruto followed his gaze to an older man who looked like an older, more complacent version of Sasuke. A self-satisfied smirk graced his lips when he saw Sasuke, and his eyebrows arched into the fringe of his dark hair. As they made their way to a table the Sasuke-clone gave a little wave in their direction. Naruto shivered and turned away when the man's red eyes fell on him.

Sakura sat down across from Sasuke, while Naruto shuffled in beside him - earning himself a jab in the shin via deathly pointed pumps when he forgot to pull her chair out. She was worryingly inclined toward physical violence, and Naruto foresaw problems in the future... Not that this relationship wasn't already doomed to failure!

Sakura conveniently forgot whatever it was she had wanted to discuss - not that there was anything in the first place, and by the look on Sasuke's face he knew it perfectly well. And he was getting twitchier by the minute. Naruto eyed him warily. Just what they needed was for their already kind of psycho boss to go postal.

Just as Sakura was about to launch into another monologue, Sasuke stood abruptly. "Haruno, Uzumaki," he seemed to be just itching to leave. "If you'll excuse me I have some urgent business to attend."

"Why, little brother... don't get up on my account." Came the slick response from behind them. The man stood behind Sasuke's chair, leaning over with a sickening smile on his face. He clamped a hand on Sasuke's shoulder, and the other man shuddered. Naruto was in complete sympathy; the smooth, oily voice gave him the creeps. "I'm certain you're not eager to leave such - " Here was a quick glance at the two other occupants of the table, " - _charming_ company."

Little brother? Well that would explain some things. Sasuke didn't look to happy about being called 'little', though - well, he was almost twenty-five, after all.

"Why don't you introduce me to your friends?"

"Aa. Itachi, this is Uzumaki Naruto," Sasuke began grudgingly, "and Haruno Sakura, my secretary. Uzumaki, Haruno, this is my elder brother Itachi."

Sakura stood and held out her hand. "Pleasure to meet you, Itachi-san. Er, we didn't mean to interfere in familial affairs... We should probably be going, right Naruto-kun?"

Amazing, she has some tact after all. But Naruto was off in wonderland, his eyes glazing over... "Right, Naruto?" Sakura said sharply.

"Wha - uh, oh yes, right. We have - _urgent_ things to do." Naruto blurted out awkwardly, cursing himself for a teenager. _Idiot_! That was really subtle.

But Itachi only chuckled in a way that made Naruto think of dirty things. He forced down the urge to yell at the man, _"We're not going to have sex!" _Because that would go over well. Certainly.

He wondered why Sakura had changed her mind so suddenly... and if Itachi's staring at her rather well proportioned chest had anything to do with it. Or maybe he just gave her the creeps too.

Sasuke stood to let Naruto out, and there was a moment where no one knew quite what to say. Sakura grabbed Naruto's hand in a vicelike grip and said, "See you at work tomorrow, Sa - Sasuke-san."

"Hn." But Sasuke wasn't looking at her. He was too busy glaring at Naruto, who glared right back. _Jerk. What'd I do this time?_

"Be polite, Sasuke." Itachi reprimanded him, giving Naruto the shivers all over again with his patronizing whine.

"Yes, brother." Sasuke sighed and gritted his teeth in a false smile. "It was nice to see you again, Uzumaki, Haruno. I'll see you both at the office tomorrow."

Itachi patted him on the shoulder.

"That was fucking weird." Naruto whispered when they were far enough away. Sakura batted him away with her hands.

"Close enough?" She snapped. "Your gay is contagious."

"Oh shut up, Sakura. I bet you're not as homophobic as you pretend you are. Besides," He leered at her. "It's what boyfriends do."

/End Chapter

- Haha how many of you didn't get the chapter title? Anyway they're taking it slow... at this point, only some confusion on Naruto's part as to why the hell Sasuke is staring at him. Keheheh.

R&R lovies, I'm in a writing mood this week! Happy Christmas!


	4. Chapter 4

Akemashite Omedetto Gozaimasu!

A/N - So I wrote this all in one go. Heh heh. Unfortunately I couldn't upload it until I returned from my Christmas holiday, because SOMEBODY (coughmom) doesn't have internet. This was fun to write, so I hope you guys enjoy it. Idk i think my funny level is going down though. Eheh. I'm not really a comedy writer - but I'll try harder! TT

Onward and upward!

(oh and ps.. i don't have a beta-reader, so feel free to tell me if i messed up the continuity. concrit is appreciated )

--

Chapter Four: Itachi's Bidding

Sasuke came to work the next day looking like he'd swallowed something bitter. Naruto made three guesses as to what; the first two don't count, and the third sent him into uncontrollable snickers. Okay, so maybe incest was taking it a bit far... but something had to have put that sour look on his face. And the elder Uchiha was certainly creepy enough. Naruto wouldn't put it past him.

As if summoned by his thoughts, Naruto turned to see Sasuke standing in the doorway. The scowl was apparently a permanent fixture, at least for today.

"Where is Haruno?" Were the first words out of his mouth.

Good morning to you too. Naruto leaned back in his chair, folding his hands behind his head, to the obvious irritation of his superior. "Mm. She should be out there at her desk."

"She's not."

Naruto shrugged. He was her fake boyfriend, not her keeper.

Sasuke turned abruptly. "Come with me." He said, walking away with a stiff stride.

The blond let out a sigh and pushed himself up from his chair. "Aw man... Now what?"

He hadn't expected Sasuke to hear, or that the other would comment on it. "I assure you, Naruto, that you will not be missing anything." Sasuke snapped, turning to look at him. He was shocked by the intense look in his eyes. "Or am I not worth your time?"

He'd never heard so many words out of that sharply curved mouth. The question was oddly serious, but Naruto ignored the implications of that completely, deciding not to push the boundaries of belief today. "Whatever." He muttered uncomfortably.

Sasuke seemed dissatisfied by the answer, turning on his heel with a fierce frown marring his forehead. Naruto was saved from asking where they were going by their arrival at the lunchroom - much to his confusion. When he paused in the doorway, Sasuke grasped his wrist and gave him a little push inside, which was in itself bizarre because in all the three years he'd worked there the man never so much as brushed his shoulder in passing.

"Find her." Sasuke ordered. "I must speak with both of you. Come to my office afterward."

Bewildered and shoved into the horde of gossiping, gandering office-lackeys, Naruto looked around for a quick escape - but Sasuke had magically disappeared. And his only exit was cut off by a large man with an even larger plate who was grinning at him most unsettlingly. He skidaddled out of the way. "Sakura-chan!" He yelled, deciding to take a chance. At least someone might know where she was.

When that yielded no results, he growled in irritation and pushed his way up to the front counter. Three women worked there, all rather lumpy and round with ferocious eyebrows - and so similar that Naruto feared they were born of one, poor, unfortunate mother - but none of them looked remotely aware of what they were doing, so he suspected that inquiries of a ditzy pink-haired blackmailing vicious (etcetera, etcetera, _ad nauseum_) secretary named Sakura would be met with blank looks. There were two other women standing in line, however; one a curvaceous blonde with long legs and a definite smirk to her entire air, and the other a younger, less shark-like woman who in fact looked decidedly timid.

Naruto deduced that the blonde would be most likely to be acquainted with Sakura. Considering, and all, that her shirt was nearly half undone.

"Hey, you - uh -" He snuck a quick look at her nametag, which hung precariously in a manner designed to draw the most amount of attention to her considerable bust, "Ino-san. Do you happen to know a Haruno Sakura?"

She surveyed him. He crossed his arms, feeling unjustifiably defensive. "Ugh, big-forehead girl. Of course I know her - she's the biggest gossip hound in the office. What do you want with _her_?"

"Our boss is looking for her," Naruto said, not bothering to explain that she wasn't supposed to be on lunch in the first place and Sasuke would likely eat him alive if he didn't return within the next fifteen minutes, with the mood he was in now. "I gotta find her, preferably soon."

"Hey, are you that boyfriend she keeps talking about? God I hope so, maybe now she'll keep her paws off my Sasuke-kun." Ino eyed him with slightly greater approval, smirking. "What's your name? Naru-chan?"

Hah, good luck with that! Naruto thought. "Uzumaki Naruto!" He grinned and gave a little bow. Might as well play good boyfriend while we're at it... "Sakura-chan was supposed to come to lunch with me."

Ino snorted. "Well. I suggest you hurry up and find her because last I saw she was heading of to 'lunch' with the boy from down below... you know, the mailman." She snickered. "She's been like that since highschool, honestly. She'll sleep with anyone - hasn't had a solid relationship for years, but even when she was pining after Sasuke-kun - futilely, I might add - she made her way around the office. I don't envy you."

"Obviously considering you're a girl." Naruto muttered under his breath, and then quickly made his excuses before Ino decided to regale him with more fascinating stories. Eyuck, no wonder he hated women. "Well thanks for the info."

He found Sakura amazingly quickly, and Ino's dire prediction was in fact wrong. Well, mostly wrong. She was sitting at a table near the wall across from some handsome businessman, leaning across the table. It definitely wasn't in interest in what he was saying, because she was smiling and fluttering her eyelashes delicately. Naruto came up behind him and cleared his throat.

"Sakura-chan _darling_, _if_ you could spare a moment?" He said scathingly. Then he winced. That was painfully the gayest thing he had ever done - there was the hand on the hip, the raised eyebrows... oh god. Resist the shame, Naruto, nobody's watching.

Sakura's eyes shot up. Then she glared at him, giving him a little hand signal that meant 'go away NOW'. Luckily for her, he wasn't quite that stupid. Lunch with mister chiseled-nose would have to be postponed; Sasuke waited for no man. Or woman.

"Mister Uchiha wishes to speak to you in his office." As predicted. Her eyes lit up in eager expectation at the words 'in his office' and Naruto bit back a hysterical laugh.

"Excuse me, Takana-san... work calls, you know how it is!" She gave a nervous little giggle. The man made some noncommittal comment and Sakura excused herself a bit ungracefully, her heels clattering in haste.

"What did he want to see me for? Did he say? I bet it's a promotion. Maybe he was impressed by the way I handled his brother. Maybe he's going to confess to me!" She whispered into his ear, her voice growing louder with each hairbrained idea.

"I'm pretty sure that's not it." Naruto said sarcastically. "Ow! Dammit, woman, stop abusing me!"

She withdrew her elbow from his ribs. "Oh, terribly sorry. Did I do that?"

"Shut up. He said he wanted to see both of us. God knows why - maybe he's going to suspend us for PDA's."

"Ew, with you?" Sakura scowled. "What must he think of me?"

"Probably what everyone thinks of you." Naruto dropped his voice at the last minute and gave a nervous laugh. "Eheh, I mean I'm sure he doesn't think anything bad. We've barely been holding hands."

Oh, there were so many things wrong with that sentence. Naruto gritted his teeth.

"Is that so?" Sakura made a contemplative noise, and Naruto recognized the sound that signaled his doom. He chewed his knuckle. "What if he's not jealous enough? You know we really haven't done much in front of him except you brought those flowers, that was a good reaction don't you think? We need to stage something more public, like him catching us in the middle of making out or something." Then she paused. "Or you could just bring me more flowers."

"I vote for the latter." Naruto growled, raising his hand. "I draw the line at making out with you. You can tell everyone from the mailboy to Sasuke himself about my 'secret', I refuse to inhale disgusting girl-slobber."

"You're so immature!" Sakura complained. "God, if you were normal we wouldn't have this problem."

"If I was 'normal', you wouldn't be blackmailing me to make Sasuke jealous, either." Naruto pointed out.

"Shh!" Sakura put an immaculate fingernail to her lips. "We're here. Shut up about that, idiot."

She knocked on Sasuke's door. "Come in." Came the sharp command. They entered like guilty children.

"What did you want to see us for, Sasuke-kun?" Sakura cooed. Naruto mock-gagged behind her back, and then realized that Sasuke was looking at him strangely. He gave a strangled smile.

"Ah, sit down." Sasuke gestured to the hard wooden chairs in front of his desk. His hands were folded before him.

Sakura sat down eagerly and leaned on the arms of the chair, which, to Naruto, seemed to be her only man-catching tactic. It amused him how much women relied on their cleavage to capture a man's attention, especially Sakura. Considering that hers wasn't terribly significant in the first place, and Sasuke appeared immune to the effects of a mostly-undone shirt.

"Something came up recently." Sasuke said abruptly, his fingers twitching. "A company... event, if you will. We need representatives. On the ... suggestions of my brother, you are both to accompany me on a cruise for members of the business world interested in joining a particular venture. Nothing will be expected of you save the accurate and respectful representation of this company, and you," He addressed Naruto, "Will sit in on the meetings and take appropriate notes."

"A cruise?" Sakura said, confused.

"Aa. To the Caribbean. Consider it akin to a paid vacation. All expenses will be footed by the company." Sasuke looked positively dour for someone who was getting an all-expenses-paid trip to the Caribbean. Naruto leaned back in his chair.

"Why us?" He wondered aloud. But it had to have something to do with Uchiha Itachi, of course... would he be there as well?

"My brother wishes to spend more time with the charming couple." Sasuke said, his voice laced with bitterness and distaste. "We are to accommodate his whims."

"Awfully controlling, isn't he?" Naruto muttered. "Well, when do we leave?"

It wasn't as though he would turn it down. Perhaps Sakura would be so distracted by the thought of being entrapped on a boat with Sasuke that she would leave him alone. It might even be relaxing.

"In two days." Sasuke informed them, his handsome features once more expressionless. "Haruno-san, you may leave. Uzumaki, please stay behind. I wish to speak with you."

"Come see me later, Naru-chan." Sakura shot him a look that promised death and destruction if he didn't. "See you later, Sasuke-kun!" Her cheery goodbye left them in eery silence.

"Uzumaki." Sasuke broke the empty space. His fingers drummed the underside of his desk. "Is there anything you wish to tell me? Anything bothering you?"

Naruto was stunned.

Of everything he might have expected, this was not it. Uchiha, inquiring as to his welfare? Had hell frozen over? He was nothing but a lowly employee; when had Sasuke taken an interest in him? "Er, no. Nothing." He said automatically.

He pushed aside the hopeful thoughts and concentrated on suppressing the sudden swift beating of his heart. His cheeks suffused with pink at the earnest look Sasuke was giving him. The other man leaned over his elbows and looked him in the eye. "Are you certain?"

What was Sasuke trying to weasel out of him? Had he discovered Naruto's secret? His heart skipped a beat at the thought. "Y-yes, Uchiha-san. I'm sure."

Almost seeming disappointed, Sasuke sat back. "Very well. You may go."

Naruto took his leave quickly, oblivious to the gaze burning into his retreating back.

--

/End Chapter

Oh yes, and for you crazy people who are so obsessed with order of pairing... it's NaruSasu! Sasuke's bottoming. Keheh.

Thank you so much for all the reviews and fav's you guys have no idea how amazed and happy I was to see my inbox today. Yikes! Keep it up, dear readers.

- Blue


	5. Chapter 5

A/N - Idk where i was going with this, please don't hurt me ;

Also thank you my reviewers (and everyone who reads the story!) so much! You are all that keeps me going on this silly adventure. I love opening my inbox to see your reviews, be they encouragement or bribes or threats... xD

--

Chapter Five: Does no one bother to knock?

"Well?" Sakura was waiting outside the office to accost him. "Well? What did he say? Was it anything about me?" She clung to his arm like plastic wrap. After several unsuccessful attempts, Naruto realized that resistance was indeed futile. He sighed.

"Nothing. He asked me if something was up, is all." He eyed her disappointed face. "And he told me to stop dating you or he'd hire a private assassin to kill me in my sleep."

"Really??" Sakura stopped abruptly, her hands loosening on Naruto's shirt. He took the opportunity to detach himself from her iron grip. Her expression was utterly priceless.

"Ahah - hah -" The laughter came unbidden. "BAHAHahahah!! Haha - you thought - ha - that -" He spluttered, doubling over. Her ecstatic expression was suddenly replaced by a look of anger as she deciphered his laughter.

"AAargh!" She growled and hit him over the back of the head with her fist. "Jerk!"

"Ow!" Naruto rubbed his wound, not looking the least bit sympathetic. "You're the one who's _blackmailing_ me, thanks." He resumed the 'dutiful boyfriend' shuffle, as he had dubbed it. Anyone watching would assume they were having a lover's quarrel. _Ugh_... Naruto shivered at the thought.

"Would you shut up about that??" Sakura snapped, her heels clip-clopping as she hurried to catch up to him. "Do you want everyone to know? _You_ get the short end of it if anyone finds out."

Valid point. But...

"Blackmail is illegal." Naruto pointed out. "I'm just trying to cover my ass so I don't get fired. Besides... there's no proof that your precious Sasuke is homophobic."

Sakura looked positively frightful when she scowled. "Anyone with any sense at all would kick you out at the first opportunity. I don't know why he hasn't already."

Naruto was silent. To be honest, he didn't know either. It wasn't as if he was particularly talented at his job, or dedicated, or hardworking... well, he showed up and he took his lunch break on time. That was about all. But he had never questioned it before. And now Sasuke was giving him a paid vacation. Wasn't there something missing in this picture?

Maybe it was just Sakura he wanted to get on the cruise ship, but was dragging Naruto along because he was supposedly her boyfriend.

Naruto shook his head. He'd said something about Itachi...

"Hey, what's going on in that empty head of yours?" Sakura demanded, shaking him from his thoughts like a terrier with a rat. "Can't be anything worthwhile, huh? Come on, the least you could do is pretend that you're listening."

"Nah." Naruto muttered. "At least your physical abuse doesn't send me to sleep."

She made a noise of outrage and stomped on his heel. Honestly, by the end of the relationship... he was going to be one big walking bruise.

-- -- --

Sprawled uncomfortably across his decrepit couch, Naruto observed that the ceiling was actually a charming shade of puce when one was dead-tired. Trying to sleep, he'd resorted to making shapes out of the stucco; a dragon trying to eat a head of lettuce, a train, a Spanish Armada, a face that was starting to look alarmingly like Sasuke - he closed his eyes.

"Damnit." He mumbled. "This sucks."

Giving up, he rolled out of bed with a resounding thump. There was an answering thunder of fist-to-the-wall from nextdoor, where Gaara was sulking because Lee had gone off to the park and left him alone to ponder his existence. Punishment, the exuberant man declared, for making that poor pizza girl cry.

At least, Naruto mused, having walls as thin as tissue paper had the added bonus of free entertainment. He hadn't turned the TV on once since Lee moved in with Gaara - they were almost as good as a soap opera.

The house was pitch black. Naruto stumbled into the kitchen, bruising his shin before he could fumble for the light switch. He squinted in the bright fluorescent light and cursed.

"Shit-goddamnit - GAH!!" Naruto suddenly yelled, jumping about five feet back and hitting his arm on the edge of the counter. "WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING HERE?!"

The pain took its sweet time meandering from his elbow to his brain but eventually he became aware that something hurt.

"Rrgh." He growled, rubbing his elbow.

"...Sorry." Came the dark, sullen voice.

"What the hell are you sorry for, Uchiha?" He snapped. "Breaking into my house instead of RINGING THE DOORBELL like a normal person??" Naruto was becoming irritated that this series of events didn't even have the courtesy to warn him of their coming existence. "Maybe it's the fact that you're not even supposed to know my address that's bothering me so much!"

His face was white from adrenaline, and his heart threatened to leap out of his chest. Finding someone in his kitchen had not done much for his stress levels.

To his credit, Sasuke looked rather sheepish.

"It's in your employee information folder."

"You _have_ one of those?"

"Aa."

"Well that explains EVERYTHING." Naruto growled. "Tell me why the hell you're standing in my kitchen before I deck you - whether or not you're my boss." Although just earlier that day he had been running to and fro for the man, fetching him the little chit Haruno and calling him 'Uchiha-san', finding Sasuke _here_, in his house and haven, made him feel slightly less inclined toward subservience.

"Company business." Sasuke didn't miss a beat, although the tinge of pink on his cheeks gave it away as a barefaced lie.

Naruto paused to admire - er, examine him. Standing in Naruto's kitchen wearing a dark hoodie and sneakers, he looked considerably less impressive than when he strode down the hall in his business suit and a murderous expression. His hair swept across his face and his eyes were bright, cheeks flushed in embarrassment and maybe something else. In fact he looked terribly young.

But there was still something untouchable about him, and Naruto couldn't bring himself to strike the porcelain white skin. Maybe he was biased because Sasuke was very unfairly beautiful and Naruto was becoming tired of watching other people's relationships (fake ones didn't count) and so instead, of course, he wallowed in denial and tried to forget that he still dreamed every night.

Sakura's little act hadn't much helped, either. Inconsiderate, abusive, conniving, bigoted... She was a safe target for his silent, seething rage, being miles away and happily asleep in her bed. This also made her easier to hate, as he was currently awake and unhappy.

"You're lying." He accused Sasuke, and was rewarded with a blank stare. "Why would you break into my kitchen on company business? Didn't they give you a key to my apartment in that file?" He asked snidely.

"Yes." Sasuke deadpanned, "But I thought it would be good practice to break in instead."

"You do this often then?" Naruto remarked. "Why haven't you slipped into Sakura's kitchen? She'd be thrilled. She's utterly convinced you're secretly in love with her."

And then he realized what he'd said, and clapped a hand over his mouth. This time the 'shit-goddamn-mmmfnkm' came out muffled.

Sasuke was giving him a curious look, or whatever passed for the expression in the Uchiha household. "Why?" Was all he said.

This time Naruto kept his mouth shut and shrugged.

"Well she is mistaken."

Thank god for that. "Try convincing her of it." Naruto muttered. "Actually, please do."

He wasn't terribly surprised when the phone rang, interrupting them, only a bit relieved - it would be Iruka, who kept strange hours and so always called at night. When he heard the voice on the other end, however, he just about hung up.

"Why are you still awake? Never mind, I hope I woke you up. If I can't sleep then it's only fair that you can't either. You're coming to my place tomorrow, I have plans and we can't go over things in your tiny apartment." Sakura sounded breathless, and Naruto didn't wonder why. It was amazing she was still alive, substituting speech for air like that.

"What?"

"Keep up, dimwit! We're practicing for the cruise tomorrow! I'm certain that I told you before you left this afternoon, well, considering how amazingly well you retain information I'm not surprised you've forgotten already!"

"Forgotten. Yes." He paused and processed. "Ugh, can't we just skip this? Is it really necessary?"

"NECESSARY??" Sakura screeched into his ear. He held the phone away with a grimace. "Uzumaki, we're going to be alone on a cruise ship for god only knows how long, this is the perfect opportunity to execute my plans!"

"_Your_ plans. What about _my_ plans for a relaxing vacation?"

"Your life is mine." She informed him with the gleeful tone of one who knows they hold life as you know it in their french-manicured hands. "To do with as I please. Now get to bed, and dream of ways to make Sasuke-kun jealous!"

And Naruto suddenly remembered that Sasuke was standing right there in front of him, trying very hard not to look like he was listening in.

He dropped the phone into its cradle. "How much did you listen in on?"

"I was not ... _listening in_." He looked affronted.

"Maa, fine. Sakura's voice is just so loud you couldn't _help_ but overhear, right?" Might as well dig the grave deep enough to bury himself in. Naruto was a firm believe of not doing things by halves.

"'Make Sasuke-kun jealous'?" Was the incredulous response.

"Nightcap, Uchiha-san?" Naruto asked, as he poured and downed his first drink of many. He had a feeling it was going to be a long night - starting with why the hell his boss was standing in his kitchen when he went to get a glass of milk at eleven-thirty.

"Please." Sasuke accepted a glass, tossing it back with alacrity. He grimaced at the taste, and Naruto took the glass from him and poured another.

-- -- --

He seemed to be having difficulty explaining his reasons for showing up at Naruto's house uninvited and unannounced in the middle of the night.

"Explain the phone call." Sasuke said finally. Naruto glared at him.

"Tell me why you're here first. Company business?"

"It can wait." He said impatiently. Sasuke was perched on the edge of Naruto's man-eating couch, wisely giving it no opportunity to bite him, his glass clenched in a white-fingered grip. Naruto sat across from him in a wooden chair, his arms crossed. He figured he'd earned the right to be rude, whether or not Sasuke was the man who signed his paychecks.

"I insist." Naruto leaned forward, his eyebrows drawn ferociously down. "I'm sure you've got a fantastic reason."

Sasuke actually leaned back, and Naruto did a congratulatory dance in his head, silently thanking Gaara for the lessons. So the man wasn't as unflappable as he pretended.

"Well - " Sasuke paused, casting about for a response that would satisfy the angry tilt to his eyes and his unyielding stare. Sasuke hadn't intended to actually go to his employee's house when he'd found the address... well, not that minute. But he'd had another argument with Itachi and couldn't stand to be in his own house. No doubt the cocky blond would not find this a good enough excuse. He couldn't really figure out why he was here himself, drinking sake and feeling like he hadn't done since he was a small child - like he'd broken a china plate or something.

Naruto stared at the man on his couch and wondered why this wasn't a dream, because by this time he would have that monstrous blue hoodie off and all of Sasuke's pale skin would be exposed, his hands clenched for a different reason, and Sasuke wouldn't be trying to think up excuses because the only one would be unintelligible and that would be perfectly acceptable - Naruto lowered his arms slowly so as not to draw attention. He was sure his face was flaming.

At least Sasuke was too absorbed in his own embarrassment to notice. That would give him away more certainly than the damning conversation with Sakura.

"Well?" He pushed, trying to distract his mind from wandering further down dangerous paths.

Sasuke shrugged. "Who else's house would I show up at?"

"I don't know... your own?"

He shook his head abruptly. "I don't have one."

_Yeah, right._ Naruto rolled his eyes. He was the boss, an Uchiha, and as such ridiculously rich - what'd he do, live on the streets? Naruto pointed this out to Sasuke, who looked childishly defiant.

"Itachi - " He stopped abruptly. What would he say? That Itachi kept him at the Uchiha manor and wouldn't allow him to leave...? "I live in the family home. It doesn't belong to me."

There was something in his voice that gave Naruto pause. He seemed... not embarrassed - but bitter. Resentful. Then he was suddenly struck by how easily Sasuke had avoided the question. His shoulders slumped, and with a loud exhalation he said,

"I am going to bed now. I think I will pretend this was all a bad dream."

And with that declaration, he emptied his glass and left the room. Sasuke stared at the space where he had been and puzzled over it for a moment, then shrugged.

In the darkness of his room, Naruto squeezed his eyes shut and pinched himself. "Ow!" He muttered. He tried not to listen to the quiet shuffling sounds coming from his kitchen - his goddamn kitchen that currently harbored a fugitive Uchiha, also incidentally his boss to whom he had not spoken much more than ten words to in his entire (short) career.

Siezed by the absurdity of events, his mind rebelled and shut down; he soon drifted off into a restless sleep.

-- -- --

/End Chapter

A/N: Liked it? Hated it? Still going 'wtf'? I mean they're all valid responses. Do let me know. : The next chapter may be less silly, but don't hold out hope.


End file.
